Shells

This writing is an interior performance for me. It’s meta writing to see the way my
writing mind works. It is a descriptive and identifying sort of writing. It says what it is.
Now a question, is writing a way of saying what all its are?
Is this meta writing? Is this conceptual writing? Is this abstract poetry. Can I make a
form of art that is a chimera of all three of these things, conceptual, writing, conceptual
poetry, and meta writing, that tells the reader what all its are.
Then another, though, just now floating back into the black sea of my mind. If I could
attach a line to it and fish it back, I would write that thought. But here is another, and after
that, another still. After writing of these thoughts, now those have slipped back into the
sea. Without a line to each of them all, I can do is wait for them to wash back on the
shore, and they always do. I, was a writer stand at this sea’s edge, picking up these shells
and artifacts, theses flotsam, of ideas and thoughts, to then give to you reader. Or to my
self, or to my typing hands. But the one I have picked up is this; it’s just a fragment of a
sentence. A list and it is this. Memories of thoughts I had in a dream. This is what this is.
A memory of a thought I had in a dream. I say this, type this now because I have had these
wash ashore from time to time.
A flash of a memory of a dream I had. The memory is of a dream, but it is also a thought of
that memory of that dream. But, I have had ideas in dreams that I have memories of.
A metamemory, a meta thought, is what they are, what I am typing now. What I am
writing now. Fragments become lists. A list of thoughts is an idea. That is a line from a
poem I wrote once. I typed it out. Now, this washes ashore. It’s another shell from this sea.
It’s this; it’s a question for you reader. Is typing different from writing? What is writing as
compared to typing? Am I not typing what I write? Or, am I writing what I type. Another
of these shells is a sentence that says what it is. Perhaps, I see now, that this is how
this mind I have worked. This is what it says. This is that again I type.
I am okay that these words do not make much sense, and I perhaps will never reread them, but I have to type and write one thousand words. I have to get used to doing this.
Declare my thoughts, and perhaps waste some time just typing down words. I believe this
is called Graphomania, and maybe it is an incredible waste of time. But, this is what I am
choosing to do right now. So I can observe my mind and the way it types. Again I say, I
type, this is this. I say what each and everything is. And, reader, I will tell you what each and everything is. Another question arises, that question is this, am I wasting my time
doing this. I’ll answer that question, yet again, it’s what I’m doing so that I can start to
write one thousand words a day. Oh, a wave has come and pulled
that shell back into the saturated sand of my mind. Another question arises, why am I
using the analogy of the ocean to describe my mind? I will answer this now. I use the
sea to tell my mind because I love the sea. And now the shell appears again, and
that is this. I can not only observe the way my mind works but also the attitude my mind
has. Its philosophy is not in the form of words, but it is more silent. But, reader, I will give
that attitude words. It says you are wasting your time, Alejandro. It says this now, “Think
about what you are going to write, and write down a complete notion.” It follows with
more instruction, it says this reader, “Make an outline of what you want to appear on the
screen and then put that down. I say back to that attitude which I just now gave a voice,
“That shell has been pulled back into the sea.” Oh, what this reader, it has appeared
again! My message to that attitude is, you said I should outline what I want to say then
write, you used the words “put down.” But you put me down. You are always putting me
down. Like these words on this screen that I am putting down, you also put me down.
To be put down. Let’s explore this reader; I say this to that attitude and to myself. Let’s
explore the phrase, “To be put down.” Tell me what it is. Now I am putting down one of
these, is it the attitude, or is it myself, or is it my writer’s mind, or another such
commentator? Again I say, “let us put down what it is to be put down.”
Now, first. I was placed above the place or space from which I was put down. And note this, I was put down, not thrown down, not smashed down, but
put down. It sounds intentional. That is what it is, intentional.
Now, I have reached 1000 words.
Will I continue? I have to ask myself if this is worth continuing. The attitude already has
given its opinion, it is not.
I ask myself this, “am I having fun?”
I answer, “I like typing.” and now a question, “Why dont you do this more often?”
To that question, the reader I answer, it may be a waste of time. The attitude certainly thinks
so.
But, now a retort, “If you have fun typing, and you are observing your writing
mind, then is this not a valuable exercise?”
Who will answer, reader? We already know what the attitude thinks; this is a waste of
time.
However, I have reached my goal. I have written or typed 1000 (one thousand) words. Now a question, again, I am being asked, “Should I keep going?”
Now another question, “Have I learned something about my typing mind or my writing
mins?”
I believe I have. And that is this, reader, there is a difference between typing one thousand
words, and writing one thousand words.
Graphomania is typing, but it’s not without its lessons. And writing is another thing. So, I
have ultimately sided with the attitude. But, reader, I ask the mood this, “Graphomania,
is typing, I agree. But, what you call writing is not actually writing because if I do what
you suggest, I will at this very moment stop typing. Words will stop appearing on the
screen. I also make a second argument for Graphomania. I am practicing typing. You see, I
need to be doing exactly what I am doing right now to do more of this in the
future when I am actually writing.
A shell appears in the sand.
That shell is a notion, an idea, a flash of a body lying in the sand. It is this: who are
you, reader? Will you ever appear to be the reader of this typing and writing?
Another question arises, the reader are you, I, possibly another, ever going to read this?
A voiced question, a shell has been swept back into
the sea.
Oh, I know I will see that shell again soon. On this beach, there are many shells appearing
then disappearing.
But now another shell appears, and I will show it to you reader. This is in the form of a
story.
The attitude says, “I doubt that I seriously doubt that.”
You are always putting me down just like I am putting down words on this keyboard, and
they appear on the screen, be it writing or typing. I am putting these words down.
But, unlike your attitude, I am placing them down gently; I disagree with putting anyone or anything down, not a least, the way you so often put me down. Am I but a word to
you?
Attitude, am I a word to be put down, I ask again?!
The mood has fallen silent, and perhaps she wants to see this shell of a story. Here is that
shell. I am holding it to my ear, and I can now hear its beginnings. It does not start with
the words, “Once upon a time, nor with the words, “long ago in a galaxy far away.” I can
see you are a fan of science fiction and space sagas, or space operas. So attitude here is
the story. Put it very simply. I lost my fins more than twice in the ocean. I lost the fins, I searched for them, but every time the surf broke again, the fins were washed into the
slurry of wet sand and saltwater. There was no retrieving them, unlike these shells of
thought. I can recognize them and lift them up to then put
them down on this screen.
It appears the attitude was right; this was not much of a story. Also, reader, that attitude
has convinced me yet again that what I thought was a shell of a story was only a small
a body of a statement of sorts.
Has the attitude been right twice now? Reader, I ask you again, has the attitude put me
down twice now?
Reader, if only you could answer.